the 2020 oscars

Ahhh. Here we are again!! The most important Sunday of my year...all tea all shade to the Super Bowl. IT'S OSCAR SUNDAY!!! This year in film was especially interesting because I genuinely enjoyed a lot of the movies I saw...but those are not necessarily the movies being highlighted during this awards circuit. Regardless...we're gonna keep it moving. Before I jump in I just need to let you all know that I will not be going over every award. We would be here all fucking night. Well I'm probably gonna be here all night regardless, but let's just go.

As I've expressed in the past, I have learned that it is not constructive for me to watch the red carpet pre-show. Seeing Ryan Seacrest's eyes physically popping out of his skull due to the amount of cocaine he has ingested during commercial breaks really just puts a negative coloring on the entire night. I skipped it.

Taking it from the top--I'm super duper not sure about that opening sequence. I love Billy Porter and Janelle Monae, but I just wasn't obsessed? The movies they chose to highlight via the background dancers' costumes were almost exclusively movies that The Academy didn't choose to nominate this year. I'm sorry...but what is the deadass point?? Thanks so much for dedicating a background dancer in a five minute musical number, but could you like...put some weight behind these projects instead???

Because of the fact that almost every awards show has thrown singular hosting to the dump, it's always interesting to see who they choose to present the first award of the night (Best Supporting Actor). This may seem like an easy task to some, but please trust that it is probably the most important role of the night. Whoever is given this responsibility sets the tone for the entire show. Meaning, if The Academy had a collective stroke and for some reason decided that James Franco and Anne Hathaway needed to present the first award, the entire night would fucking suck!! Omg, wait!!! THEY ALREADY DID HAVE A COLLECTIVE STROKE AND CHOSE JAMES AND ANNE TO HOST THE WHOLE FUCKING SHOW IN 2011. I digress. Thankfully, that did not happen this year. We were instead graced by the iconic duo that is Steve Martin and Chris Rock. I don't really have much to say about their set other than the fact that I was audibly laughing for most of it.

I hate to interrupt myself when I'm on such a roll, but can I just scream out into the void and wonder what on God's green earth is Jeffrey Preston Bezos is doing at the fucking Oscars? Go home, you bald bitch.

My closing thoughts on Chris Rock and Steve Martin can be summed up by simply saying: Vaginas do, in fact, stay missing.

Just some housekeeping stuff real quick. I am loving these montages before each acting award. They got rid of Oscars montages a while ago, and to be honest, I miss them!!! However, I am absolutely hating the fact that someone decided the presenters of awards need to be announced? Like just get on the stage and shut the fuck up. I don't need a lead up to the lead up of someone actually receiving an award. KEEP IT.

Alrighty, onto the winner of the first award. To the surprise of exactly zero people, it was awarded to Brad Pitt. He's been owning this award this entire awards circuit, so it honestly would have been shocking if it didn't go to him. I was incredibly surprised to learn that this was his first award for acting (he received one for producing 12 Years A Slave)! I'm never mad seeing Brad in general, and I'm certainly not mad at seeing him on the Oscars stage! I hate Quentin Tarantino and I literally walked out of Once Upon A Time... In Hollywood, but that's wildly irrelevant because Brad is still sexy.

Shoutout to Hair Love winning (Best Animated Short). I haven't seen it, but shoutout to niggas!!! I am sure that I'm not the only one who sees the irony in the fact that the filmmakers for this movie were the only black winners of the night...DURING BLACK HISTORY MONTH. The Academy stays acting up specifically during the month of February and personally????? I'm not here for it.

Josh Gad's jab at John Travolta while introducing Idina Menzel singing that song from Frozen 2 was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. And that's on Adele Dazib. If you don't get it, then don't talk to me.

May I just say that the presenting duo's tonight were absolutely spectacular. Timmy and Natalie Portman. Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig. Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves. Julia Louis Dreyfus and Will Ferrell. Timmy deserved a nomination for both Little Women and The King, but I feel blessed to see him on the stage dressed as the sexy extra from Ford v. Ferrari (that was not my joke, shoutout to Twitter). Maya and Kristen are unfuckwittable and I need exponentially more of them in my life. I would literally watch Diane Keaton trim her toenails--ESPECIALLY in that coat. Julia Louis Dreyfus can literally do no wrong--a lot of y'all haven't seen "The New Adventures of Old Christine" and it shows.

Parasite won the award for Best Original Screenplay and may I just say that Bong Joon Ho admiring his Oscar statue while his co-writer was on the mic was 100% the highlight of this show. This man deserves the world and more. Never fucking forget when he called The Oscars a "local" awards show. More of THAT in Hollywood, please.

Another year, another crop of Live Action Shorts that I didn't watch. I'm so sorry to those filmmakers, but they are always supremely depressing, and me already being on the brink of a mental breakdown mixed with these Shorts is not a winning combination! Anyway, the award went to The Neighbors' Window.

Laura Fucking Dern won her Oscar (finally) for her supporting role in Marriage Story. Laura, I am not going to see Marriage Story simply due to the fact that watching that fucking clown ScarJo on screen for that long would probably cause me irreversible brain damage. No disrespect to Greta's mans, Noah, but I just can't do it.

I was getting genuinely emotional during the montage for original songs throughout film history and feeling super moved until none other than fucking Eminem appeared out of literally nowhere and ruined it. Who the FUCK asked for this? Who wanted it? Even when The Academy attempts to be down with the times and do something unexpected it STILL blows up in their face!!! I have to laugh!!! Do better you supercilious buffoons!

I say this every year, but there are many an article that can explain the importance of sound mixing/editing and the difference between the two. I am not even close to an expert on the subject and I'm not really in the mood to put my foot in my mouth on the subject, so please just Google it. The award for Sound Editing went to Ford v Ferrari and the award for Sound Mixing went to 1917, neither of which I have seen. Film Twitter doesn't seem too appalled by these choices, a stark contrast to last years winners, so I'm assuming they were well-deserved.

The award for best cinematography went to Roger Deakins for his work on 1917. Again, I have not seen this movie and likely won't, but Roger is cute as fuck and I'm happy for him. Best Film Editing was awarded to Ford v Ferrari. I literally wouldn't know. Best Visual Effects went to 1917. News to me. Best Makeup and Hairstyling went to Bombshell, which was incredibly well-deserved in my book because I literally thought I was looking at the real Megyn Kelly multiple times while watching Charlize do her thing. That movie didn't really do it for me in general, but that was not at the fault of the makeup or hairstyling, so go off, ladies.

Skipping forward a bit to the award for International Film Feature, I am delighted to say that Parasite won. However, I am not delighted at the fact that, in lieu of The Academy highlighting or championing diverse movies in bulk, they thought that simply changing the name of this category was equivalent in the slightest. IT IS NOT. DO BETTER. STOP ACTING LIKE THE QUOTA FOR DIVERSITY EVERY YEAR BEGINS AND ENDS WITH ONE SINGULAR FILM.

My bitch Hildur winning Best Score for her work on Joker is completely deserved and, honestly? I need her here every year. I've seen y'all dancing to her music on TikTok...this woman deserves all the hype.

Best Original Song went to "(I'm Gonna) Love Me Again" from Rocketman. Uhhhh,,,,,, hated that movie, but Sir Elton and that bald dude are super cute.

My mans Director Bong being awarded Best Director, again, for Parasite. Nobody deserved it more. The flood scene alone. Txt it.

Now onto Best Lead Actress. Even a year later, Rami Malek still has the power to get up on that Oscars stage and proceed to make me more uncomfortable than when I am getting a pap smear. I'm not sure how he does it, but this is the second year in a row that I would have literally preferred to have a metal torture device in my vagina if it meant not having see this man on that stage. I am SO sorry Rami, I just can't do it. To absolutely nobody's surprise, Renée Zellweger won. Congrats to the singular Academy voter that actually saw this movie??? I deadass thought that movie got a straight-to-DVD release based on the general lack of conversation surrounding it. My girl Renée was on that stage for way too long speaking straight nonsense. She looked drop dead tho, so my complaints are somewhat negated.

Again, to nobody's surprise, the award for Best Lead Actor went to Joaquin Phoenix. My mans delivered one of the greatest speeches I've ever heard. Shoutout to River Phoenix and Rooney Mara. Joker was the tits and Joaquin could lowkey get it.

Now, I literally can't believe I'm typing this, but Parasite fucking won Best Picture. THE YEAR. AFTER. THAT MESS GREEN BOOK WON. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. THE FIRST NON-ENGLISH LANGUAGE FILM TO WIN IN THE HISTORY OF THE AWARDS SHOW. LET'S FUCKING GO TO THE N'TH DEGREE. I AM ELATED. AND DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE YOU BITCHES TRY TO SHOO THEM OFF THE STAGE. Y'ALL LET THOSE FAT RACIST FUCKS FROM GREEN BOOK GET UP THERE AND SPEAK IN STRAIGHT TONGUES ABOUT NOTHING IMPORTANT FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES LAST YEAR YOU BETTER RUN THESE ASIAN ROYALS THEIR FUCKING TIME. BONG HIVE!!!!! THEY DID IT!!!!!

Honestly, I haven't been this happy after The Oscars in a hot fucking minute, so thank you to The Academy for actually awarding the best picture of the year Best Picture. Thank you for having an iota of nuance left in you. That's all for me, I'm gonna go watch like three Timothée Chalamet movies and cry myself to sleep.

For now...that's all OG wrote.