the 2020 golden globes
Wooooah!!! The bitch is back!!! I feel like nobody really cares, but if you do, I'll give a short explanation before I hop into my latest awards show roast. Basically, this was a really tough school year for me--I had to take some time off school for mental health reasons; I went through a breakup, blah blah blahhhhhh. Who cares. Everything is wonderful in my life right now and I realized how much I missed writing and posting my thoughts for whoever might be reading.
That's really all there is to preface...I literally can't wait any longer. I need to speak about the underwhelming mess that was The Golden Globes.
As I do with all awards shows, I watch it and take real-time notes that are literally just stream of consciousness, so what you're reading is literally just going to be bullet points that I wrote while sitting in front of my TV.
Historically, The Golden Globes are my favorite awards show. I'm not sure if it's the fact that it's just so much more chill than The Oscars in that everyone's in one big ballroom and there's alcohol on the table and it tends to be more of a party than anything; I'm not sure if it's the fact that I typically respect the HFPA's more than The Academy when it comes to who they decide to award...I don't know! Whatever the case, I look forward to The Golden Globes in a way that I never have with The Oscars or The Emmy's. Apparently the HFPA caught wind of this though, and decided to make this the most BORING, OVERRATED, "MEH" NIGHT IN HISTORY.
The beginning seems as good a place to start as any, but I'm going back even a little further. The fucking red carpet. What a grade-A disaster. bruh. The whole thing looked like a parade through Vogue's Worst Dressed.
IF THE GOAL WAS MEDIOCRITY THEN Y'ALL FUCKING KILLED IT.
Margo Robbie???? Are you fucking sure?? Is being dressed as a fancy column really what you were aspiring for??? Taylor Swift.....hell nope with that print hell nope with that silhouette and a GIGANTIC hell nope to the fucking key-hole mess in the front???? SCARLETTMOTHERFUCKINGJOHANSSON. The draping in the back?? That MATERIAL??? Salma Hayek you're lucky your titties are doing most of the talking because that Gucci dress is H E I N O U S. J-LO?!?!?!?!?!??!?!! J-NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Michelle Williams....don't ever do it again, queen. Winnie Harlow...A) what the fuck are you doing here?? B) this is not the afterparty for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show!!!! Sofia Vergara!!!!!!!! Stop wearing the same dress to every awards show!!! And if a designer ever tries to put you in this Sherri Hill prom 2K15-ass look again PLEASE spit on them!! MATT FUCKING BOMER. ABSOLUTELY FUCK NO. LITERALLY NEVER AGAIN!!!!! If the ill fit of this suit was attempting to call upon some past fashion moment it was 100000% lost on me!!!! PLEASE.
The ONLY people that looked remotely okay were Kerry Washington, Gwyneth Paltrow and Zoey Deutch. Do NOT come for me when I'm this fired up.
NOW ONTO THE ACTUAL AWARDS SHOW. I am eternally grateful that there was actually a host. Ricky Gervais was actually fucking hilarious even though he was on for probably a collective 15 minutes during this THREE HOUR telecast.
(A quick disclaimer so we can just get it out of the way. I have not watched one millisecond of The Irishman and it's gonna take a fat fucking edible and about 36 uninterrupted hours for me to do so. I have not seen Fleabag, though it is on my list and I fucking stan Phoebe Waller-Bridge to the ends of the earth. I walked out of Once Upon a Time...In Hollywood and regret nothing about that decision. Okay. That's all.)
I'm confused why we're all just blindly allowing voting bodies of awards shows to front like ANYONE has seen The Kominsky Method.
I've literally never heard of Ramy in my life, but shoutout my guy for deadass saying so in his acceptance speech. (Best actor in a TV series, musical or comedy: Ramy)
I CAN'T EXPLAIN MY JOY FOR RUSSEL CROWE WINNING. THE LOUDEST VOICE WAS 10x BETTER THAN BOMBSHELL AND WOW. YEAH. GO OFF KING. (Best Actor in a limited series or TV movie: The Loudest Voice)
I haven't seen 1917 and probably won't. Sorry. If it's possible for something to look too British then this takes the cake.
I am SO sorry. Rocketman literally wasn't good.
S U C C E S S I O N. THE BEST FUCKING SHOW ON TELEVISION. THE THEME SONG ALONE DESERVES MULTIPLE AWARDS. (Best TV series, Drama)
STILL TALKING ABOUT SUCCESSION. COUSIN GREG COULDN'T HAVE LOOKED MORE IN CHARACTER WHILE ON STAGE FOR THE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH HOLY SHIT.
Final word about Succession...Kieran Culkin is Macaulay Culkin's brother and I don't think enough people are aware of that.
"Peacock" is literally the worst name for a streaming service I've EVER heard.
WHO TOLD KERRY WASHINGTON SHE WAS ALLOWED TO GO THIS HARD HOLY SHIT????
Parasite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that's on Bong Joon-ho's TRANSLATOR telling Americans to READ!!!! (Best foreign language film)
Ellen's speech was sweet <3 (The Carol Burnett Award)
Again. I haven't seen Fleabag and a bitch is embarrassed. (Best TV series, musical or comedy/Best actress in a TV series, musical or comedy)
THE KID FROM JOJO RABBIT IN HIS TINY BOWTIE <333333
I am SO sorry to Greta Gerwig's mans: Noah Baumbach, but I don't give a flying fuck about Marriage Story. I was 20 when my parents got divorced.....like...a bitch has basically already seen the movie.
Jason Momoa and Zoë Kravitz together>>>>and that's on Lisa and my nigga Lenny.
Patricia Arquette is a big titty queen and she literally always kills her speeches. The Act was absolute trash tho. (Best supporting actress in a series, limited series, or TV movie: The Act)
OLIVIA FUCKING COLMAN!!!! AND THAT'S ON VOGUE 73 QUESTIONS!!! MY FUCKING QUEEN (Elizabeth)!!!!!! (Best actress in a TV series, drama: The Crown)
Brad Pitt could fuck me sideways, upside down, and savagely murder everyone I've ever loved and HE'S FIFTY SIX. And that's on Leonardo NoCaprio. (Best supporting actor in a motion picture: Once Upon a Time...In Hollywood)
Tom Hanks is literally perfect I couldn't love a white man more. I literally cried at his speech. I CRIED. (The Cecil B. DeMille Award)
I literally don't know what else there is to say about the lack of female directors honored this year...fuck off?? Do better??? Y'all have small dicks?
Michelle Williams is a dime even though that dress looks like a half-eaten, melted creamsicle from the neighborhood Ice Cream truck in the middle of July. Speech goals. (Best actress in a limited series or TV movie: Fosse/Verdon)
I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for Chernobyl and I haven't gotten there yet...I've never stanned a show that I've never seen so hard. Go the fuck off. (Best limited series or TV movie)
I've deadass never heard of Dolemite is my name, but shoutout to niggas!!!!!
UHHHHHH SO LITTLE WOMEN NOT BEING NOMINATED FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT SCORE??????? I ASSUMED IT WAS INELIGIBLE BECAUSE IT WAS RELEASED SO LATE??? NOW A BITCH IS PRESSED!!!!!!
Why do the Ernst and Young people always look like they're being held at gunpoint...like y'all are literally accountants....are you okay??
Nothing against Sir Elton or Taron but y'all stay awarding the dumbest shit. PLEASE put some respect on Mr. Daniel Craig's name!! My knives are OUT BITCH!!! (Best actor in a motion picture, comedy or musical: Rocketman)
I wish ScarJo wasn't such a fucking clown because goddamn is she sexy (dress is still heinous tho, don't get it twisted)
Beanie Feldstein <3333
Where the FUCK is Timmy Chalamet's nomination for The King???? That shit knocked me on my ass. Additionally, why not just invite him for the good of literally EVERYBODY???
Why was the acceptance speech for Once Upon a Time...In Hollywood so fucking awkward??? Dude looked like he was getting teeth pulled. (Best motion picture, comedy or musical)
ADAM DRIVER ISN'T SEXY AND IF YOU BACKWARDS ASS WEIRDOS KEEP PUSHING THAT NARRATIVE IMMA START SWINGING.
FUCK YES JOAQUIN MY FUCKING PRINCE!!!!! And that's on RIP River. (Best actor in a motion picture, drama)
Bro. Please point out one fucker whose seen Judy. Srry Renée. (Best actress in a motion picture, drama)
PHEW. We're done. Overall, it was a completely mediocre night and I'm underwhelmed. Do better, Emmys and Oscars.
As a closing note....my ass is probably gonna go see 1917.
For now...that's all OG wrote!!!
