sounds about white

I didn't plan on taking such a long hiatus from posting, but the combination of truly horrendous mental health & a that snooze-fest of an awards season didn't really have me running back to this platform. Due to recent (ratchet) events, however, it seems I have no choice. The buffoonery being exhibited by some of our more...pale...public figures is ridiculous enough to make me dust off this old relic and do what I do best—shout aggressively and offensively into the void. I present to you: WHITE Collar Crimes.

crime #1: Blonde

In a display that can only be summed up as white-on-white crime, I give you, Blonde. And just because this movie can be accessed easily via Netflix doesn't mean it should be accessed at all. Quick synopsis: the movie is an adaptation of a book in which the author, whose name I don't care about, reimagined the life of Marilyn Monroe. Evidently, though, her wildest imagination only mustered up the most horrifically traumatic events ever and brazenly associated them with Marilyn. This begs the question: if the story is uninteresting enough on its own that the author found it necessary to loop Monroe's name into it...why is the story being told in the first place? Like...why did this fictional story have to be about her and not some equally fictional character? Oh, because the story objectively fucking sucks and nobody would give half a hoot had it not included Marilyn? Riiiiight, okay.

Physical abuse by her schizophrenic mother, sexual assault by a U.S. president, multiple abortions forced upon her by studio execs (which the viewer must experience from legitimately inside her vagina), and the overuse of the word "daddy" when referring to her male partners (because apparently that aforementioned imagination screeched to a halt when tasked with finding a more subtle way to exhibit her lack of a father figure) are just some of the dreadful scenes you can avoid witnessing by simply not watching this movie

Blonde has found its home amongst the recent slate of Monroe-related limited series/films/generally unnecessary works which all but guarantee that this poor woman does not rest peacefully. If you're hoping for a sophisticated review, you'll have to look elsewhere on the .coms. I am here to say one thing: unless you at some point found yourself sitting across from Marilyn herself and listening to her life's story told directly from her lips, I do not have any interest in what your lips have to say about her life. And even then! With this "The Unheard Tapes" mess (which is also on Netflix)...did it ever occur to anyone to just...let them remain unheard?

Every few years some overly confident (white) filmmaker sets out to share their """"nuanced """" take on Monroe, as if she wasn't a living, breathing person, but rather a fictional character whose existence only matters insofar as bottom-feeding, unoriginal barnacles retell it to their hearts content. You're all going to hell. It is no secret that Marilyn deserved better while she was still alive, so to posthumously drag her through the mud??? With a plot that deadass wasn't even good?? Satan will see you now.

crime #2: Dahmer

With the colder months quickly approaching, I know we're all on the hunt for some new coats. Might I suggest that some of you invest in a straight jacket for this season and every season thereafter.

I, of course, am referring to those alabaster-skinned individuals who, after watching the new Netflix series about Jeffrey Dahmer, took to the internet to boast about how the series wasn't very scary, that Jeffrey's murder and dismemberment of black gay men wasn't really "that bad", and worst of all: that this crusty ass NECROPHILIAC is hot. This shit is so white it needs 75 SPF on a cloudy day.

I have not and will never watch "Dahmer," but not to worry! You lot have provided more than enough clownery for me to comment on.

Just generally, I'm gonna need those of you whose complexions rival that of Caspar the Friendly Ghost to shut the fuck up about the fact that you find these literal SERIAL KILLERS attractive. The same thing happened when the Ted Bundy movie came out. Ted Bundy is ugly. Seek psychiatric care.

OH! THIS IS YOUR CURRENT CRUSH?! I have good news—you are being sent straight to federal prison where you can get to know Jeffrey's ghost on an incredibly personal level.

No but for real, I am so incredibly over it. Dahmer targeted black gay men because he knew that the police didn't give a shit, damn, or fuck about them. By saying you think this dude (who legit looks inbred) is hot, you're saying you don't give a shit about his victims. Would you care more if his victims were white? Would this series have been more scary if the corpses on screen looked a little more like you? Fuck, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, you.

crime #3: The 2023 Met Gala Theme

It was recently announced that the theme for the 2023 Met Gala will be...Karl Lagerfeld.

Wait, surely you don't mean that dude with that dinky ass fried ponytail. Not the fatphobic clown who was quoted saying that nobody wants to see curvy women. Couldn't be that fucking loser who publicly expressed his "distaste" for the #MeToo movement. It absolutely wouldn't be the flagrantly homophobic (he was literally gay himself), misogynistic, bigot who has been given a get out of jail free card by the entire fashion community because they love his clothes. Unfortunately, it is exactly that Karl Lagerfeld who will be honored during fashion's biggest night (which, by the way, is becoming less and less iconic because of bullshit like this).

Listen, I am aware that some of you truly believe in separating the art from the artist (a phrase and practice which enrage me to end). Yeah, fine, but to what end? Y'all have been doing it with Kanye for years. Do you not feel embarrassed? Do you know of literally ANY artist that wants to be separated from their art? NO! YOU DON'T! I feel like it's widely understood that an artist's work is literally an extension of themselves. THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO SEPARATE THEM FROM THEIR ART. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT. If you have to do a back handspring, cartwheel, somersault and a backflip in order to rationalize your support/enjoyment of something then maybe...oh I don't know...IT'S NOT WORTH SUPPORTING IN THE FIRST PLACE????

I'm gonna need some of you (Anna Dingbat Wintour) to exhibit even an iota of critical thinking. American Vogue’s steady descent into irrelevant obscurity can be credited to wholly horrendous decisions like this one. Luckily, it's not like any of those troglodytes actually dress for the theme, so I imagine this "honor" is probs gonna look more like a hodgepodge flop, which is exactly what Karl deserves <3

That's all OG wrote.