the 2021 oscars
What :) the :) fuck :) just :) happened :)
That's the only thing I wrote directly after the Oscars ended. It is now Tuesday and I'm still wondering the same thing. If you didn't watch the show and don't know what I'm talking about there's no need to fret—I will fill you in on everything you need to know.
SO, the Oscars happened this past Sunday after being postponed for two months. The lead-up has been unnecessarily long and has done nothing but stress me out so honestly, I'm glad this awards season is finally over. I will say, however, that I was delighted this show didn't take place during Black History Month like it typically does because the long-standing tradition of the Academy disrespecting and overlooking black people didn't sting so badly.
A couple things you need to know before I get into it: the Oscars this year were produced by Steven Soderbergh, the director of the Oceans movies (Oceans 11, 12, etc.) and Contagion. So this dude is like a real Hollywood guy. You may have noticed that the show was filmed to look like it was a movie and not a live telecast, which was 100% on purpose. You may have also noticed that for the first time in like 30-something years, the show was not held at the Dolby Theater in LA. Instead, they decided to kick a bunch of homeless people out of Union Station and film it there. So just in case you were wondering if Hollywood is as pompous and out-of-touch in the middle of a pandemic as they typically are, that question has been answered. Going along with that theme, the Academy announced that this would be a mask-less event which simply reminded us that these celebrities are among the population that has been lucky enough to be fully vaccinated despite the fact that they are arguably NOT essential workers. Whatever. Maybe I'm just salty because I still have like a week before I get my second shot. It does feel very ignorant though, right?
I was just reading over my past Oscars posts and it's like...why was I basically just doing a typed out retelling of a show that either you watched or didn't watch. If you did watch it then you for sure don't need to read 10,000 characters about something you already saw. And if you didn't watch it then why would you want to just read a verbose and visually-lacking version of it? So this year I'm going to actually do what I was supposed to be doing in the past and REVIEW the show.
So, like I said, Steven Soderbergh said that the show was purposely made to feel cinematic rather than like live TV and at first, I was like oh shit I'm down! But as the night went on I was like ???? I think the point of Soderbergh's production choices were to reflect the fact that this obviously isn't a normal show or normal circumstances, but it's like...we all know that already because we've all been on our couches for the past 13 months. The thing I've always appreciated about the Oscars is the fact that it felt like you were in the room with all these A-list celebrities—this year, the at-home audience was made to feel like we were outside of an exclusive bubble. Alienating an already dwindling audience was a dumb move.
Along with the cinematic aspect of the show being remixed, the decision was made by I Don't Know to change the order of the awards—another dumb move! Typically, the show opens with best supporting actor. It's an award important enough to capture people's attention from the jump, but it's not the most important award of the night, so we still have something to look forward to.
The choice to start this year's show with best original screenplay was odd to say the least. Especially because the producers knew that there was a chance something exciting could happen (literally just look at the list of nominees you idiots), which it did, and I believe that moment deserved a bigger lead-up. Emerald Fennel won the award for Promising Young Woman, the actress's directorial debut. Any time a woman wins anything at the Oscars it's exciting and this was especially exciting because she was up against an Academy favorite, David Fincher, and a bunch of other men—this shit should be celebrated! It felt weirdly overlooked because of how early it was awarded.
The order-switching of the awards ended up being a much bigger fuck-up later in the night, but we'll get there.
I think I was one of maybe three people that actually watched the nominated movies this year, but may I just say that this was the best crop of nominees in long while. There wasn't a Green Book or Three Billboards in the mix—that's to say there wasn't an abhorrently undeserving film nominated that then ended up winning best picture, which is literally all I could ask for.
Despite the aforementioned issues I had with the show, overall, I thought it was pretty okay and had some very nice moments. Namely, Daniel Kaluuya finally won his (best supporting actor) Oscar for playing Fred Hampton in Judas and the Black Messiah and gave a fucking hilarious and heartfelt speech. Yuh-jung Youn made history by becoming the first Korean person to win an Oscar (wtf Academy) while making America aware of her icon status in her acceptance speech (best supporting actress) and claimed Brad Pitt as hers. Chloé Zhao made history by becoming the first woman of color to win—and to be nominated for—best director.
Then there were some not-so-nice moments. The sprint-like nature of the "In Memoriam" segment? Why we goin so fuckin fast?!?!? Mank winning absolutely anything? Especially for cinematography when Nomadland is sitting right there? Every single shot of Nomadland could be a painting. Congratulations to Mank for re-creating cinematography from the 1940s, but we literally have movies from the 1940s for that sole purpose. Hollywood is actually incapable of ignoring a movie about Hollywood. Hollywood the type of dude to get a rib surgically removed so it can physically suck its own dick.
And then, the most painful 10 minutes I've ever endured: the final three awards.
On a typical Oscars night, the final award presented is best picture. Not this year! Best picture was announced before the final two acting awards—a decision that has haunted one Steven Soderbergh relentlessly since Sunday night. Best picture was rightly awarded to Nomadland which was a big fucking deal and really exciting! There were people physically present to accept the award and make a speech—it was great! It SHOULD have been the final award! BUT NO. THERE WERE STILL TWO MORE AWARDS LEFT!
For some context, this entire awards circuit has been operating on the collective understanding that Chadwick Boseman would posthumously be awarded best actor. Literally ask anybody—Chadwick was getting that award. Not necessarily because his performance in Ma Rainey's Black Bottom was amazing, which I heard it was, but because he has had a superb career, was a phenomenal actor, and HE DOES NOT HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WIN ANOTHER OSCAR AFTER THIS. HE DIED. OKAY ACADEMY VOTERS?!?!??!! HE IS LITERALLY DEAD. JUST IN CASE YOUR STUPID ASSES FORGOT WHY Y'ALL WERE SUPPOSED TO VOTE FOR HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. I digress. Anywhomst, Soderbergh and the rest of the production team were so sure that Chadwick was winning this shit that they made the decision to make best actor the final award of the night.
(Oh also, Frances McDormand won best actress for Nomadland and like I'm never mad at Frances, but the only reason Promising Young Woman got any awards buzz in first place is because Carey Mulligan exists. She deserved that award.)
Okay so now we're at best actor. We're watching as Joaquin Phoenix looks like he would rather join his brother River in the afterlife than be presenting this award. We're all like, wow I wonder what all they have planned for this acceptance speech for Chadwick—maybe there will be a whole montage dedicated to his work, maybe Viola Davis will accept the award on his behalf and bring us all to tears--who knows! AND THEN. POOR JOAQUIN READS OUT ANTHONY HOPKINS'S NAME. YES, THE ANTHONY HOPKINS THAT WAS FAST ASLEEP IN WALES AND SURELY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THESE AWARDS WERE HAPPENING AND IS PROBABLY NOW TALKING TO HIS AA SPONSOR ABOUT HOW TO MAKE AMENDS TO A DEAD MAN FOR TAKING HIS OSCAR.
I need to make myself clear! Nobody is mad at Anthony! He is an international treasure that none of us deserve and is also one of my personal heroes because he has 45 years of sobriety. HOWEVER. Anthony Hopkins will be nominated for another Oscar in his lifetime. And even if he isn't, do think this man gives a flying fuck? He already has one and it's probably collecting dust in his shed and/or being used as a weight to put on top of napkins so they don't fly away when he's eating on his back patio. Anthony Hopkins is already Anthony Hopkins and doesn't need an award to remind anyone of that. He's a fucking icon and he knows it! Chadwick Boseman was just getting started on what would have been one of the greatest acting careers ever. That career was stolen from him, making Ma Rainey the last film he was able to work on. ACADEMY VOTERS: YOU GIVE HIM THE AWARD BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT AND BECAUSE THAT WAS HIS LAST CHANCE TO WIN ONE AND BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE MEANT THE ABSOLUTE WORLD TO SO MANY OF US.
Joaquin was then forced to end the show in the most abruptly awkward manner because, of course, Anthony wasn't in LA to accept the shit and he was not about to zoom into the show in order to give a speech. His elderly ass was ASLEEP! Joaquin is legitimately NEVER coming to this fucking show again.
So yeah, that's why this post started the way it did because actually what the fuck was that. And before someone tries to explain the preferential ballots to me and how Oscars voting works, please shut the fuck up.
Alright so that's basically it for the show. I feel like I did the thing I was trying not to do and just retold what happened in the show instead of reviewing it, but hey! There's always next year.
Now! I decided to something really cringe and embarrassing and asked people to ask me any questions they had about Oscars-related shit on my Instagram. Enough people pity me that I actually got quite a few questions, so I'm gonna answer them below (also I'm typing them out exactly as they were asked on Instagram and I'm too lazy to put the typos in [sic] so just deal with it)
Q: WYR be fucked sideways by brad pitt and his sexy little ponytail or andra day?
OG: This is such a great question. I'm gonna have to go with Andra Day, but only if I can top her and tell her how horrible The United States vs. Billie Holiday was. Also she has to be wearing her Oscars dress the whole time. It would have been Brad but, as previously mentioned, he belongs to Yuh-jung Youn.
Q: WYR live in a van (nomadlife) with daniel kaluuya or angela basset?
OG: Another wonderful question. Okay so for the purpose of procreation I want to say Daniel, but Angela has somehow found The Fountain of Youth and I feel like if I lived with her then she would tell me where it is.
Q: TW: do you think awards shows are becoming obsolete and out of touch?
OG: Yes. And it's really upsetting to see but it's also like...the shit that the Academy and HFPA are pulling these days is just out of control and I'm glad that they're getting blow back for it. Get the fucking senile white men OUT OF THERE! STOP AWARDING STUFFY, CONDESCENDING FILMS BEST PICTURE I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD. Green Book in 2019?! Really???????
Q: Whatd you think about the 10M+ viewership drop between last year and this year? Justified?
OG: Yeah that's literally so embarrassing for them but definitely fair. Unless you're a film loser like me or you had to watch it for like work or whatever, I don't know why you voluntarily sit through a 3+ hour telecast of a bunch of celebrities in a train station (?) not wearing masks. Who the fuck wants to see that? Hopefully this year's historically low viewership makes the Academy and the future Oscars producers try a little harder. I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say Steven Soderbergh won't be asked back.
Q: Not movie related but would love to know your red carpet fashion faves?!
OG: Tbh, Chloé Zhao fucking killed it. Like...the double braids. The lack of makeup. The sneakers. It was perfect. Margot Robbie obviously looked hot as fuck and I'm obsessed with her bangs. ZENDAYA. Full stop. LaKeith Stanfield stated in his Instagram caption that he was dressed like an uncle, but he's somehow simultaneously daddy? Andra Day looked sooo good (it was more of a VF afterparty dress but who cares.) And finally, Alan Kim and his suit shorts.
Q: Worst dressed?
OG: Where the fuck do I even start. Even the fashion I liked would be considered mediocre if it was any other year. Lots of "worsts" to work with here so I'm really gonna try to narrow it down to the absolute worst. Without a doubt, the worst thing on the red carpet was Halle Barry's fucking hair. Looking like a Lord Farquad cosplay gone wrong. A whole ass hairy helmet. Willy Wonka headass. Okay, that's enough. Maria Bakalova or child bride? Vanessa Kirby...it's giving Rent the Runway but like the backup dress that they let you order for 50% off just in case the first dress doesn't work out. Why does Glenn Close's getup look like cultural appropriation? Ugh. Yawn.
Q: Who got snubbed?
OG: Bruh. Nomadland for cinematography. We've already been over the Chadwick situation. Carey Mulligan for best actress. Sound of Metal and Minari just deserved more recognition all-around. Also, Naya Rivera and Jessica Walter being left out of the "In Memoriam" segment was fucking weird. That whole thing was a damn mess. Why did it feel like we were running a 100 meter dash through a fucking cemetery.
Q: Your favorite win of the night?
OG: Probably Daniel Kaluuya. I was SO worried that him and LaKeith would split the vote (fuck preferential ballots.) He's had an unreal career so far and he's just getting started. He gave a great speech and he's literally just so sexy. I do wish he wasn't subjected to that idiot fucking reporter mistaking him for Leslie Odom Jr. in his post-win interview. Leslie was literally wearing a heinous gold suit and Daniel was dressed in all black. It's the way that their respective blackness is the only similar thing about them. And that's lowkey not even true because their skin tones are completely different??? I am constantly amazed at the barriers White Audacity breaks.
Q: Favorite speech of the night?
OG: Yuh-jung Youn. Look it up if you haven't seen it. I will never tire of non-American people shitting on America at an American awards show. Lest we forget Bong Joon Ho's translator calling the Oscars a "local " awards show last year.
Q: Would love to know what UR dream is! Like is there a job you would love to do for the show?
OG: This is such a cute question. Honestly, my dream is to be chief critic for Vanity Fair, so like reviewing TV and film, which would allow me to do reviews like this about awards shows but like get paid for it! IF I had to do something for the Oscars specifically I would want to be the "list" person that checks everyone in at the door. (Real ones know I'm already well-versed in being "door girl.")
Q: Top 3 must watch movies?
OG: Nomadland, Minari, Judas and the Black Messiah.
Q: Why does Tyler Perry exist?
OG: Omg I'm so glad you asked! Solely to make movies that perpetuate black stereotypes and, judging by that dumpster fire of a speech, to bottom for cops.
Q: Thoughts on regina kings dress?
OG: She IS the moment. I fucking loved it on her but I feel like it would lowkey look cheap and corny on anyone else. But like...she's Regina King for a reason, so.
Alright so that's it for the Q&A! Thank you to everyone who sent in questions, that was really fun and I think I'll probably do that every year from now on. Shoutout to the 30 minutes after posting on my Instagram story where I was in a fucking cold sweat because I thought nobody was sending questions, only to find out that Instagram doesn't send notifications for that.
Okay I'm ending this here. My dog keeps farting in her sleep and I'm about to dutch oven her just so she knows how it feels.
Until next time, that's all OG wrote!
