“clown” couch
Do you know how much effort, motivation, and strategic planning is required to make a $14,000+ couch seem basic? I don’t either. But we’re watching it play out in real time.
I first saw the Cloud Couch on Kylie Jenner’s Snapchat story when I was in high school. I and every other sycophantic, social media robot, loser became obsessed. Like oh my god, it’s so deep! And so plush! And so luxurious! How did I go from drooling over this piece of furniture to legitimately cringing at the sight of it? How come every time I see a Cloud Couch in the background of someone’s Instagram story or TikTok I get preemptively pissed off? I feel like Miranda Priestly said it best (Mirandas are known for saying it best) in her "Cerulean Sweater” monologue:
“…And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. Then it filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic casual corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin.”
What did we learn? Me, I learned my entire personality from that scene, but let’s focus. The majority of Cloud Couch owners in 2023 fished it out of the theoretical clearance bin. Did an interior design-informed thought process lead to their purchasing this couch? Absolutely fucking not. Was there any reflective thought being exercised while making this decision? No. They’re simply copy-and-pasting moves made by the Rich People who came before them. Y’all need to check the Command + V keys on your keyboard because something malfunctioned, resulting in a single, lonesome couch being copied when you were clearly trying to copy the whole Rich People Lifestyle. Kylie’s couch is one of a thousand other items in her house…you need to adjust your standards. At least they have comfortable seating in their tragic casual corner ???
I’m gonna paint you a picture—"The 2023 Cloud Couch Owner’s Profile”: an obnoxious dude who literally just got his first check from Twitch; he’s renting some ugly crib in LA that was probably foreclosed on during the 2008 housing crisis, and throughout the entire 7,000 sq. ft. house, the literal only piece of furniture he has is this couch. It doesn’t even have throw pillows. And if it does then it’s a Takashi Murakami flower plush. The tragedy doesn’t end there, folks. You see, every other hypebeast streamer within a 50-mile radius of LA County is also buying the couch, which left only one in-stock option. Now he’s stuck with a weird not-blue, not-black velvet number that somehow clashes with the rest of the house despite it being completely empty. If not for this lone display of wealth you would probably think that he’s squatting.
He thought he would be able to buy a mattress with the money left over after getting the couch…but he was basing it on the pre-tax price. Once the other shoe dropped (sales tax was calculated) he realized there wasn’t enough left in the budget for a bed. He’s sleeping on the couch. As of this very second, the kitchen table he was trying to buy on Facebook Marketplace ended up being sold to a widowed homemaker because she made a better offer. He’s eating on the couch. Now he’s streaming on Twitch 25/24 hours a day because LA County is about to shut off his water. He’s never owned a comforter or a pillow in his life so he has resorted to tying BAPE hoodies together as a makeshift blanket and laying his head on his balled-up Moncler puffer jacket. Why does he own a Moncler coat when he lives in LA? Why did the chicken cross the road? Where do we go when we die?
The most upsetting aspect of this is that I do not hate the couch! It’s this fucking dude and all his little friends who are ruining it. The vetting process one has to go through to buy a Birkin bag is CIA-adjacent. Hermès doesn’t want everyone walking around with one. I’d imagine there’s a multitude of reasons for this, but the only one that matters to me is that it would no longer be cool. Restoration Hardware…what did we learn?
I am thankful for exclusivity. If I die tomorrow, may my immortal words be this: NOT EVERYTHING IS FOR EVERYONE.
You own a Louis Vuitton wallet, nice! Except that its contents are a $25 Starbucks gift card (with $9 left on it), a gum wrapper, and a debit card linked to a checking account with $18.39 in it.
The Twitch streamer’s couch would be worth more if he took it out of his house and placed it next to a dumpster; the amount of money you paid for the wallet is greater than the amount of money said wallet is holding. You & Mr. Twitch fucking flopped.
That’s all OG wrote.
